TO: B&T PUBLISHER

FROM: YOUR FAVORITE

(for good reason) COLUMNIST

RE: BONUS

With spring almost upon us, it might seem premature to focus on year-end executive bonuses. But these are unusual times, so please accept the following in the spirit of farsighted planning and constructive suggestion and unadulterated greed.

DO NOT ACCEPT ANY FEDERAL BAILOUT MONEY, EVEN THOUGH THE NEWSPAPER’S NAME IS “BANKER” AND STUFF.

If you accept filthy lucre from Obama and Congress and the local food bank, the paper may be subject to severe limitations on executive compensation, because The White House and Congress think the American people are vengeful and unappreciative of the free coffee and cookies that were often offered in bank lobbies.

As U.S. Sen. Chris Dodd of Connecticut, the primary author of the outrage, explained it, “The decisions of certain Wall Street executives and newspaper publishers to enrich themselves at the expense of taxpayers and underpaid columnists have seriously undermined public confidence.”

Mr. Publisher, Sir, if you dip into this public trough, your annual bonus might be capped at $500,000, which would leave you competing with welfare moms for public housing in New Bedford. The only fun incentives that would be available to you and other senior executives and favorite columnists would be long, long, long-term options and stuff, which would be very tedious to wait for and so far in the future that we wouldn’t remember exactly what we had done to deserve them, even when the stock went up and up and up, based on increased readership tied to the popularity of certain columnists.

Apparently, the bonus might be capped at 50 percent of base salary, which in the case of certain columnists, would represent a bonus on the order of a frozen turkey at Thanksgiving.

As I remember it, when President Clinton came up with some sort of cap on the tax deductibility of high-flying compensation, the paper upped the barrel-of-rum allotment to columnists and called it “training seminars.” That was pretty good, but it won’t work this time.

The real problem, of course, is that top-notch management talent and columnists will flee bailout-gobbling companies, in search of other opportunities that don’t involve a cap on their compensation. In theory, the somewhat shaky companies will suffer a loss of top talent at exactly the time they need it the most.

Boss, you and the paper aren’t shaky. You can afford to keep your executives and talented columnist awash in compensation, because you don’t need a bailout.

All In This Together

I am writing this specifically to protect you, Mr. Publisher, but I might add, just for your information, that the number of executives and popular columnists impacted by the compensation restrictions depends in large part on how much federal bailout money is received by the particular company.

Thus, the less bailout you slurp, the more likely it is that junior adjunct assistant vice publishers and columnists and other vital, yet non-wealthy talent would not be affected by the cap. Can you imagine the impact of certain columnists being forced to drift across town and work for Baker and Tradesman, just because bakers are less in need of bailout than bankers?

Which, of course, brings us to an issue that I’m sure has puzzled you. Certain popular columnists are not considered “management,” which is to say, they don’t run through the newsroom screaming and bossing and arbitrarily and capriciously editing and stuff. Thus, on the face of it, certain columnists might not be eligible for executive compensation and, thus, not affected by the bailout cap on compensation.

That being said, I have been told by reliable sources that I am days away from a major promotion that would put me in charge of the Banker & Tradesman sports section – an executive position that comes with a big, fat bonus.

While, of course, this memo was prompted by my concern for your financial well being, there’s no harm in warning you off the bailout thing, before I am elevated to my executive post.

President Obama has expressed “deep concern” about executive compensation. Let’s not add to his angst. No bailout for Banker & Tradesman. We’ll be just fine, boss. Both of us. We’ll be just fine.