On your behalf, I’m in negotiations with the editor of Banker & Tradesman to encourage the publication to issue a warning about reading any columnist other than Cohen.
It might take the form of a big, black box on page one, suggesting that readers “should not read columns other than Cohen’s column, without discussing possible side effects with your doctor or financial advisor.”
This seems a bit clunky; my suggestion was simply to banish all other columnists from the paper, thus guaranteeing that you won’t sneak a peek that might lead you down the Road to Hell or commercial real estate.
The idea came to mind as I watched Massachusetts legislators mull the possibility of banning “novelty lighters” – the kinds of lighters that sing and dance and look like cartoon characters or otherwise distract you from the task of lighting up your cigar. The House has voted to ban lighters that might appeal to kids ages 10 and younger. No warning label. No “come let us reason together” approach. Just ban the damn things.
The theory is that little kids will be attracted to the fun lighters and on occasion, choose to burn down the neighborhood.
If the scenario seems a bit extravagant to justify capital punishment of a commercial product, be assured that the “public health and safety” mantra will invariably win the day. The days of the novelty lighter are numbered.
Similar legislation has popped up across the country, with the leave-us-alone politicians in such places as Florida and Texas and Arizona voting it down, and the Libertarian cowboys in such places as New Hampshire and Idaho and Alaska not even considering it.
In 11 states, the evil, demon lighters have been banished. To leave such an issue to the tender mercies of state legislatures is not the instinct of ObamaLand. A federal bill to ban the lighters is floating around Congress, waiting to be ignited.
Government prefers to flex its muscles in relatively easy battlefields (the war against novelty lighters, for instance), supported by legalisms that suggest when “public health and safety” is involved, government can act, relatively unfettered. Regulatory agencies are shown “deference,” which suggests that even when experts are sort of stupid or liberty gobbling, they usually have a green light to muck around.
We The People
This is not to suggest that every government intrusion is a dangerous step toward tyranny, or that “the people” can’t, on occasion, beat off the government dogs with rolled up copies of the Constitution.
Occasionally, “the people” stumble upon a friendly judge who demands that the government have a “compelling interest” to stomp on the little people, or, in the alternative, to stomp on lighters designed to look like Donald Duck. But, the government can usually find a way to create the need – and make it sound compelling.
As despotic acts of tyranny go, the potential for stomping on novelty lighters in Massachusetts probably isn’t sufficient to inspire another Tea Party. But, we could get all huffy and cite the Constitutional promise that “the powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people – especially for mundane stuff like Batman lighters.” It’s right in the Constitution. You can look it up.
Ah, “the people.” Aren’t they cute? They just sit there, sort of like puppies waiting for a meal. And for the thimble-full of things that, in theory, still belong to “the people,” the states (especially tax-and-spend, regulation-crazy, “progressive” Northeastern states) sneak in the back door and take it all away.
In a very subdued kind of way, one could light up a cigar (with a boring, ordinary lighter) and congratulate the government colossus for its fervor in support of public safety. Or, if you were cranky, you could ask the political boys and girls what they might have been doing if they hadn’t been stomping out the scourge of fun lighters.
QUESTIONS REGARDING THE USE OF OTHER COLUMNISTS IN THIS PAPER SHOULD BE DIRECTED TO YOUR ACCOUNTANT. THOSE FACING THE HIGHEST RISK FROM READING OTHER COLUMNISTS ARE BABIES, PREGNANT WOMEN, ALCOHOLICS AND BANK EXECUTIVES.
